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The1 NinjaKitty

I have perfected my speech. It covers everything. No one has any questions when I am the one saying the rules.

"First of all, no gum or candy is allowed in your mouth. Spit it out into the trashcan before you go up. Yes, you. Second, anything heavier than a quarter piece of paper is not allowed in your pockets. Cell phones, wallets, keys, loose change - as well as hats - need to be put into a locker. If you do not have a locker already, we will provide one for you after the rules.

"While you are on the course there will be no: running, jumping, pushing, wrestling, or horseplay of any kind. Only one person is allowed on an obstacle at a time; you must wait until that person has stepped off the obstacle and onto a purple platform before you step on. Chaperons: you and your child will count as one person, but you must remain within arm's reach at all times. If your child wants to do an obstacle alone, you no longer count as one person.

"Each of you has a blue rope attached to the front of your harness. That rope must be kept in front of you, in between your arms at all times. You may hold onto it, but you cannot hang from it or any of the ropes up there. If you fall, stand back up; you're not going anywhere. On the 4th floor there is a gangplank with two purple ropes. Pull both ropes at the same time, then let go. When the fog horn goes off, you've beaten the course.

"When you are all done, the slides are through a cage on the third level. Once you cross over to slides there is no going back; that is a one-way door. If you do not want to go down either slide, come down the stairs.

"If you hear a whistle, that means someone is breaking the rules. If it is you and you do not stop what you are doing, or you continue to break the rules repeatedly, we can and will kick you off the course - no refund, no slides. We have two operators on the course with orange shirts and orange ropes; please contact them if you have need of assistance.

"Now, are there any questions?"

That's it. I've covered everything. Now to just watch as they give me blank stares for a few second and then -

"Ma'am, how do I get to the top slide?"

...God dammit, I need a new job.

The1 NinjaKitty

What. The. Hell.

Jemicide and I were playing Team Snipes. His connection drops, he drops - then three others follow suit. It is now down 2v2, Countdown, and my remaining teammate has no mic. After talking to myself for a minute or two, I turn my mic off and decide that if he can't give call-outs I don't even wanna bother.

Game ends. We win. Rejoin Jemi. Story over, right? No. Hell no. This kid hasn't said his two cents. He didn't get to tell me to go back to the kitchen! So, the messaging begins.

oFaTaLiTyZo: cats are so annoying

Me: Save your breath, you have to inflate your girlfriend later.

oFaTaLiTyZo: dang, exactly like a cat, all butthurt for no reason

Me: Butthurt cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred.

oFaTaLiTyZo: no mic anyways LOL, plus i don't have a gf, i failed my last one :(

oFaTaLiTyZo: the ability to be butthurt is created. are you insinuating that i transferred butthurt to you? just cuz i gave my opinion on cats or what?

oFaTaLiTyZo: that seems to be a problem, girls only like guys that compliment them

Me: Guys only like girls that compliment them.

oFaTaLiTyZo: lol w/e

oFaTaLiTyZo: lets just not talk

oFaTaLiTyZo: if u even cared about trying to be friends you wouldnt be so defensive

Would someone with a Y chromosome please explain to me what the hell just happened? I think I missed some teenage guy thing in there somewhere.

The1 NinjaKitty

Her name is "C." She's one of the newest recruits to the ropes course. There's also "P," someone who has been working on ropes long before me. C is afraid of heights, something she has willingly admitted to other ropes employees, as well as demonstrated on multiple occasions. She hates going up any higher than the second level, but someone needs to be posted on the third level.

Now P doesn't give two shits about heights, but she hates work. Deathly allergic to it, I'm afraid. Unfortunately, she could never get a doctor's note for it so she was required to spend at least one hour on the ropes course, same as the rest of us.

Anyways, the story goes like this: I had been stuck up on the third/fourth level for an hour and a half. C just replaced the employee working on the first/second level. I'm sure everyone here understands that heat rises, and there isn't exactly a large oak tree growing nearby to offer shade. In fact, the AC doesn't even go up there; the highest vent is just below the second floor. Needless to say, I was hot, sweaty, and ready to come down.

Me: Hey C, switch with me!

C: -shakes head-

Me: What? Why not?

C: I ain't goin' up there!

Me: Why?

C: I ain't goin' on the third level!

I should have seen this coming, sure, but I also thought I'd give her a fair chance to get over her fear. Instead, I called down to the ground level and had "L" switch with me. Nice girl, hope she stays.

Then I got on the phone, called my boss and said, "Would you please remind C that, as a ropes course employee, it is her duty to spend her fair share of time up on the third/fourth level, the same as the rest of us?" Of course my boss agreed with me, and of course C wouldn't accept anything over the phone. She demanded that our boss stop what he was doing, come up to the course, and tell her to her face.

So he did.

A compromise was made, actually. In thirty minutes she would move to the third/fourth floor, and the only other person who had not spent any time on the course that day - P - would go up on the first/second. A half-hour passes and I go to remind P that she needs to put on a harness. She says, "I am not going on that course. I don't care what the boss said, he doesn't work here."

Between C's repetitive refusals to go any higher than the second level (usually followed by "I'll get over my fear later"), and P's refusal to do any work whatsoever, I was at my wit's end. I was done dealing with coworkers, especially the one who thought that because I was talking to a guest I couldn't hear what she was saying behind my back. I won't repeat it; it was rather rude.

No worries, though. I reported the incident to the boss' boss and now they're both fired =D

The1 NinjaKitty

A Response


Dear Regions Hospital,

I am writing to you today to express my concern about your automated billing system. You seem to have sent the attached bill of $1,438.58 to the wrong place! =( It belongs to:

Diane Ahrens Crisis

1693 Hewitt Ave

St. Paul MN 55102

Tel: 651-645-9424

You see, they are the ones that decided to waste both your time and mine by claiming 1.) I was suicidal (see fig 1), and 2.) had a plan for suicide (see fig 2). However, I would be very happy to receive information from you about how to file for malpractice, emotional trauma, and lost wages in the state of Minnesota!

Hugs and Kiss,


PS: If you’re wondering why I have it all in writing, it’s because the psychiatrist that I saw decided to invite someone else into the room, and I thought it would be a private session. So I made it private =)

PPS: The psychiatrist was completely OK with me writing, and even wrote back, as you can see.

PPPS: According to you, my balance before insurance is $1,438.58, and my insurance paid out $6,072.62. Technically this means you owe me $4,634.04 (see: the bill you sent me). I would be willing to waive this bill if you simply remove this entire incident from my record. But only if I’m reading this correctly, as in the information on your bill means you owe me and not my insurance. If you actually owe the $4,634.04 to my insurance company, then I wish you luck. If there’s one business more strict about getting paid every cent than a hospital, it’s an insurance company.


The1 NinjaKitty

Even though I was asked to return to rides, the supervisors above my supervisors said I was needed on the obstacle course during the training season, seeing as how with recent people quitting I am now the #4 veteran up there. They trained me on how to use the cash register so that I can now (legally) use it.

Anyways, to the point: part of being on the cash register means I need to make sure people don't go in with short-shorts on. This is against the Ghostly Gangplank's dress code for a number of reasons, though the officially stated reason is that the harness would chafe the inner thigh (they're basically rock climbing harnesses). Here is my experience in dealing with this rule, when a mom and her daughter (~10) wanted to go on:

Me: That'll be $11.02 for two - and can I have you two stand straight with your arms flat against your side? ...Ok, rules up here state that shorts need to be at least down to your fingertips, so you'll need to wear these medical shorts over your clothes or not go on the course.

The Mom: Are you calling my daughter a slut?

Me: No, but if she go up there with shorts that small people will be able to see parts of her I'm pretty sure you don't want them seeing.

The Mom: Like who?

Me: I don't know, pedophiles? Like it or not, there are registered pedophiles in this state, and I bet a lot of them come here from time to time.

The Mom: I don't care about pedophiles. My daughter is going up there and she does not need to wear those shorts.

Me: ...I'll just call my manager.

Eventually she agreed to the medical shorts. Of course, just because someone gets on the course, doesn't mean they get to stay there. We have rules, and people who break the rules are either warned (minor offense) or removed (major offense). Two minor offenses = one major offense and thus expulsion.

Later in the day I'm on the fifth floor slide making sure kids don't try to murder themselves by going head-first, when I see someone zip-line out of the corner of my eye. Now we don't have an actual zip-line on the course, however if you just pull yourself up so all your weight is on the rope attached to your harness, which is attached to the overhead tracking system, you can zip-line down the staircases. This is a big no-no and qualifies as a major offense, no matter how little or far they zip-line.

Naturally, I tell my co-worker, who is on the course at the time and missed the action because he was watching someone else. By the time he gets to the kid, the kid has already entered the third level slide area, and if you perform a major offense you're not allowed to go down the slides. So, I call down to my co-workers on the third level and tell them what's up. They turn the kid away, but he then magically appears at my slide with his dad.

Note: This happened during a shift change.

Me: -to the kid- You're not going down the slides.

The Dad: Why ain't he goin' down?

Me: Because I saw him zip-lining, and that's against the rules.

The Dad: He didn't zip-line! He's too afraid to zip-line!

Me: I watched him do it. He's not going down.

The Dad: You little shit. You're full of shit!

Me: Oh, well, now both of you aren't going down.

The kid: Dad, let's just go...

The Dad: No! I paid for this, we're gonna go on!

Me: No, you're not. Go down the stairs, sir.

The Dad: I want to talk to a manager.

Me: Then you need to go down the stairs.

The Dad: No. You go down the stairs.

Me: Uh, no. You need to.

The Dad: Call your manager up here! I want to talk to 'im!

Me: You need to go down the stairs to call a manager.

The Dad: You call a manager.

Me: Sir, do you see a phone up here? Go down the stairs, talk to the people on the register, and call the manager from there.

Finally, he leaves. But then he comes back not two minutes later.

The Dad: I talked to the manager and he said we could go down.

Me: Really? What'd he look like?

The Dad: He was that guy right down there below you, in the orange.

Me: Uh-huh...Sir, my manager is a woman, and she wears a blue polo.

The Dad: Well those two people said they didn't see anything!

Me: They just got here. OF COURSE they didn't see it. Now go down the stairs or I call security.

The Dad: I want to talk to your manager!


The Dad: You're full of shit.

Finally, he leaves, and finally the person who is meant to replace me arrives. As I'm going down the stairs I see that he broke the spirit of one of the newbies and got down the third floor slide. Also, just as I'm going further down the stairs to get the fuck outta there, I overhear a nice little conversation between the newbie and a kid:

Kid: How do I go up the stairs?

Newbie: use your feet, kid. Why would you...

They have a lot to learn before I can get back to my lovely little paid-button-pushing job.

The1 NinjaKitty


While going over the rules of the obstacle course...

Me: First and foremost, no running, jumping, pushing, or horseplay of any kind. Only one person is allowed across an obstacle at a time. You must wait until that person reaches a purple platform before you can follow. Your-

Customer: Wait, what about the stair cases?

Me: ...Ma'am if you consider the stairs to be an obstacle, you should take a moment to reconsider this decision.

While standing on the obstacle course...

Customer: Ok so how do I get to the slides from here?

Me: Well first you have to go up to the third level, then you go across the wooden bridge and through the gate. Once through the gate they'll unharness you and you can go down the slides.

Customer: But wait there are two slides right?

Me: Yeah.

Customer: So how do I get to the one on the fifth floor?

Me: You go up the stairs.

Customer: There's an entrance on the fifth floor too?

Me: No, the only entrance is on the third floor.

Customer: But you just said I needed to go up the stairs to get to the slide on the fifth floor!

Me: Yes. There are stairs that go from one slide to the other.

Customer: ...Oh.

While standing in front of the staircase to the upper slide...

Customer: How do I get to the upper slide?

Me: Teleportation.

Customer: Seriously??

Me: What, you can't do it?

Customer: So what, we take the stairs to get to the bigger slide?

Me: No, we'll need to perform a satanic ritual first. Do you have the bottle of goat's blood they gave you before they sent you here?

Customer: Are there two slides?

Me: Yes.

Customer: But then how do I get to the higher one?

Me: Hovercraft, clearly. Assuming its not full of eels, of course.

Customer: What?

Me: Just...go up the stairs. Right there. Those stairs.

Customer: How do we-

Me: Stairs.

Customer: How did you know I was going to ask??

Me: It's a gift.

Me: Alright, grab one of those mats in the corner. Do you want to go down this slide or the one on the fifth floor?

Customer: How would I get to that one?

Me: ...You'd be surprised how far a brain and a pair of feet can take you.

tl;dr: Today, my supervisors asked if I'd like to go back to working on the rides instead of the obstacle course.

The1 NinjaKitty


One day, while working on a ride rotation (as opposed to the obstacle course) at Nick Universe, a kid walked up to me with a pile of shit in his hands. He asked, "What do I do with this?"

Fucking Ramadan.

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