I have perfected my speech. It covers everything. No one has any questions when I am the one saying the rules.
"First of all, no gum or candy is allowed in your mouth. Spit it out into the trashcan before you go up. Yes, you. Second, anything heavier than a quarter piece of paper is not allowed in your pockets. Cell phones, wallets, keys, loose change - as well as hats - need to be put into a locker. If you do not have a locker already, we will provide one for you after the rules.
"While you are on the course there will be no: running, jumping, pushing, wrestling, or horseplay of any kind. Only one person is allowed on an obstacle at a time; you must wait until that person has stepped off the obstacle and onto a purple platform before you step on. Chaperons: you and your child will count as one person, but you must remain within arm's reach at all times. If your child wants to do an obstacle alone, you no longer count as one person.
"Each of you has a blue rope attached to the front of your harness. That rope must be kept in front of you, in between your arms at all times. You may hold onto it, but you cannot hang from it or any of the ropes up there. If you fall, stand back up; you're not going anywhere. On the 4th floor there is a gangplank with two purple ropes. Pull both ropes at the same time, then let go. When the fog horn goes off, you've beaten the course.
"When you are all done, the slides are through a cage on the third level. Once you cross over to slides there is no going back; that is a one-way door. If you do not want to go down either slide, come down the stairs.
"If you hear a whistle, that means someone is breaking the rules. If it is you and you do not stop what you are doing, or you continue to break the rules repeatedly, we can and will kick you off the course - no refund, no slides. We have two operators on the course with orange shirts and orange ropes; please contact them if you have need of assistance.
"Now, are there any questions?"
That's it. I've covered everything. Now to just watch as they give me blank stares for a few second and then -
"Ma'am, how do I get to the top slide?"
...God dammit, I need a new job.